Question 1. Sloth

You have a day off from work or school. You have no other obligations or deadlines, and all your friends and family are out of town. How do you spend your time?
Teach the cat to gargle.
Alphabetise your vegetable crisper.
Attempt suicide with a single Tim Tam.
Time-travel back to the opening night of The Sixth Sense and paint “Bruce Willis’s character is a ghost” on the wall outside the cinema.

Question 2. Greed

You win a million dollars. How do you spend, invest or waste it?
Have half of it converted to five cent coins and drop them off the top of a skyscraper to see who dies. Use the rest to hire a lawyer to get you acquitted.
Buy a donut shop in Burkina Faso, cover the walls in gold leaf and give away all your stock until you’re broke again. Then hitchhike home.
Buy a pokey, run-down little terrace flat in Newtown and barely have enough money left for a cup of coffee.
Wait — you mean his insane former patient killed him in the first scene? Is that why his wife seemed so distant in the rest of the movie? I didn’t realise!

Question 3. Lust

You come home to discover your Significant Other in bed with your grandmother. How do you react?
Race to your grandmother’s house and vindictively eat her petunias.
Leave home, never to return, and take up the carefree life of a dysentry-raddled hobo.
Ignore it; it’s just a phase, like that time with Phillip Ruddock and the can of creamed corn.
No really! I watched the whole movie and I never noticed! I thought it was some kind of metaphor for urban alienation or something!

Question 4. Pride

You’re being recognised for your greatest achievement with a ticker-tape parade and the keys to the city. What is your greatest achievement?
Graduating from Kindergarten before puberty.
Saving the universe.
Crossbreeding a tomato with a bowling ball.
And he didn’t even know he was a ghost until right at the end? Ha!

Question 5. Wrath

You see a man beating a harp seal with a spiked club, blood splattering all over the linoleum. How do you feel?
Oddly soothed.
Apathetic. What have harp seals ever done for us? If it had been a cow or a camel, fair enough, but there are enough cute furry freeloaders in the world as it is; who’d miss one more?
Determined to graduate from University with a combined Philosophy/English degree and work to prevent this sort of thing happening again!
So, like, didn’t he ever notice that he couldn’t ever hail a taxi and waiters always ignored him?

Question 6. Gluttony

Willy Wonka announces a new kind of chocolate with zero calories but all the flavour of the finest Yemeni chocolate. What do you do?
Marry him.
Kill myself.
Nothing; I prefer to live on a diet of luke-warm water and croutons until I’m down to my target weight of 15kg.
And it completely escaped his attention that his world was a grey, lifeless wasteland filled with the plaintively wailing phantasms of the forgotten dead?

Question 7. Envy

Your number one rival from primary school has just been voted president of all space and time. You know a secret that will bring this reign to an ignominious end and possibly see the disgraced former wunderkind contemplating life in maximum security prison. Who will you tell?
My mother.
Kamahl.
I’ll break the news to the entire world through the medium of my hand-photocopied Quantum Leap fanzine, Admiral Al’s Annunciations.
Oh, hang on, it was set in Philadelphia, right? So it probably seemed pretty normal. Never mind.