The Hound of the Bassendeans

This is a dictionary in the spirit of The Deeper Meaning Of Liff, but where Liff took words from signposts all around the world and added uproariously funny definitions, this one takes them purely from Australia — note the postcodes on each, for verification purposes — and the uproariousness is not guaranteed. This has been lurking on my hard disk for many decades now; it will grow as I think of more, but this is now its home.

Agery [5558] n
The desire to trade your hectic social life for a little boredom and some ironing, which is exactly what you went out to avoid in the first place.
Akolele [2546] n
A guitar with four or fewer working strings.
Alcomie [7330] n
A kind, motherly woman who fusses around offering you scones and tea every five minutes and chatting endlessly about the weather, and probably strangles budgerigars in her spare time while doped to the eyeballs on amphetamines.
Almurta [3979] n
A conversation among a group of women when exactly one male is present.
Amity Point [4183] n
The awkward gestures made in order to indicate someone at a party without openly pointing.
Areegra [3480] n
The momentary flush of triumph that makes you do something embarrassingly Sylvester-Stallonish just as everyone is watching you.
Baranduda [3691] n
A gay fish. (Rare)
Bassendean [6054] n
One of those neighbours who keeps a dog the size of a small tank which is responsible for the loss of (a) your lawn, (b) your sleep, and (c) most of the rest of your neighbours.
Bevendale [2581] n
The sort of person whose vocabulary is composed almost entirely of expressions from the latest cult movies and television programs.
Bilbarin [6375] n
The antibodies one’s brain develops, after a relationship ends, that make it impossible to think of the object of one’s former affections without itching.
Blampied [3364] adj
Thoroughly exhausted, but quite willing to have another go if anyone is interested.
Bogantungan [4702] adj
Someone who gets more attractive as you get drunker, so that after sixteen beers they look nominally human.
Bombo [2533] n
The sort of cheap plastic bauble that enables sideshows to advertise that “everyone wins a prize”.
Bucasia [4750] n
The knowledge that things would work out if only you could change the number of hours in the day or the gravitational constant of the universe.
Bute [5560] n
The photocopies or computer printouts consigned to the bin during a long attempt to get something looking just right.
Cadia [2800] n
A talent for absolute ruthlessness, on the order required to take candy from a baby and then napalm the baby and stab the nanny on live television.
Callington [5254] n
The chap who gets all the birds by being unshaven and covered in grease and smelling very much like a leather briefcase marinated in sweat.
Caravonica [4878] n
The vocal harmonies in Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.
Cheshunt [3678] vb
To search for a Christmas present for someone you know so well that all the obvious presents of books and CD vouchers would be pitifully inadequate, so you’ll probably end up getting something quite useless but utterly endearing.
Clontarf [2093] n
Something lifelike and plastic with too many legs tied on under a Scotsman’s kilt to give overly daring tourists a surprise should the need arise.
Cobdogla [5346] n
That portion of another person’s anatomy that feels just right.
Comleroy [2758] v
To “chat”, in the manner of teenagers for four hours in a car after a movie.
Culburra [5261] n
Someone who always hogs the heater.
Daglish [6008] adj
A person whose manner of dress and behaviour is so unfashionable that it transcends fashion entirely and achieves the kind of coolth that everyone else has to pay ridiculous quantities of dosh to attain.
Dalmeny [2546] adj
Never able to think of the right word from this dictionary when it actually happens to you.
Dashville [3763] n
A town that ekes out a living by having almost the same name as somewhere quite famous.
Deagon [4017] n
An ex-catholic priest who has since taken up paganism, polygamy or running discos.
Dederang [3691] n
The noise made by the other stair after you’ve gone to all the trouble of missing the creaky one at three in the morning.
Dernancourt [5075] vb
What one is doing when “whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” happens.
Dreeite [3249] n
Sewage from space stations, after re-entry.
Eidsvold [4627] n
The bizarre hyper-relativistic forces in an armchair that make it impossible to escape once you sit down.
Evelyn Central [4872] n
The one person all your friends seem to know, all for different reasons.
Fawkner [3060] n, obs
A medieval chicken sexer.
Fingal [3939] n
The last spot of light that lingers in the centre of a black and white television set after it’s switched off.
Furracabad [2370] n
The sort of youngster who makes great strides in the analysis of spatial relationships by posting cheese slices into a disk drive or egg sandwiches into a DVD player.
Gerang Gerung [3418] adj
The way one sits in a suspect kitchen chair that no one has gotten around to fixing or throwing out.
Gerangamete [3243] adj
Unable to resist grinning in the middle of an impersonation of Mr Spock.
Gol Gol [2738] vb
To stand around with an air of malicious innocence, like the pile of paperbacks left after you’ve just finished packing up your entire bookshelf.
Gungahlin [2912] adj
Not worried about how something looks because you know it tastes delicious.
Haasts Bluff [872] n
The unspoken promise, ultimately unfulfilled, that allows a woman to have her drinks paid for all evening.
Hallett [5419] v
To have a controversial and passionate discussion with a large group of concerned people who you knew beforehand would all agree with you.
Hebel [4486] n
The substance whose percentage concentration in washing powder is minutely changed every three months in order to make the powder “New and Improved”.
Imbil [4570] vb
To decrease to nonexistence one’s sexual attractiveness at the crucial moment, simply by wearing Y-fronts.
Indented Head [3223] n
(Medical) Obscure work-related ailment that forces a significant number of dunnikin divers into early retirement.
Inverloch [3996] n
The precise moment in a relationship when you realise you know the fate or whereabouts of every one of your partner’s grandparents.
Jackadgery [2460] n
One of the pastimes of the Baranduda, the exact details of which are the subject of an upcoming documentary hosted by David Attenborough.
Kangarilla [5157] n
The attempt to translate Japanese movies or instructions into English, possibly via Esperanto and Fortran.
Kentlyn [2560] n
The correct length of time to mourn the end of a relationship, after which one becomes a Runcorn. Usually defined as equal to however long it’s been so far, minus one week.
Kepnock [4670] n
Descriptive of one’s face early in the morning when one is still not entirely sure if one’s nose is on straight.
Kerrimuir [3129] n
Of Australian men, unable to consider another man physically attractive for fear it will cause homosexuality.
Kosciusko [-] n
The one particular word you can never spell.
Kybybolite [5262] adj
Of loungeroom chandeliers, never to have the full complement of working lightbulbs.
Labertouche [3816] vb
To digress so far that you get back to the point.
Lackrana [7255] adj
Not at all annoyed at being the only single person in a group of couples.
Leyburn [4352] n
A barbecue sausage burnt to perfection on the outside, but found, upon biting, to be raw in the middle.
Lonsdale [5160] n
A husband who wears a suit and tie on weekends, unironically says “Hi honey, I’m home”, and in general looks like he stepped out of a McDonalds ad, and who therefore deserves whatever you do to him.
Lower Chittering [6084] n
A noise one’s digestive system makes, as if to say “Thank you for the lovely curry, now please staple your mouth shut and don’t do it again.”
Lurg [3672] n
The momentary feeling of nausea felt when driving over a slight rise and dip in the road.
Maindample [3723] vb
To desperate resist the urge to correct some malebelling idiot who can’t get the words of the Parrot Sketch right.
Malebelling [6302] ptcpl vb
Misquoting a Monty Python sketch to a room full of people who know it better than you.
Marvel Loch [6426] adj
Amazed at how far the discussion has digressed.
Meerlieu [3862] adj
Suddenly unable to recall anything of what you were just about to talk about
Megalong [2785] adj
The length of an Italian opera.
Menangle [2568] vb
To make a noise like the objects dragging along behind a newlyweds’ car.
Merimbula [2548] n
An intimate and poignant statement made whilst performing oral sex.
Merriwagga [2652] n
A tragic contradiction in terms.
Merrywinebone [2387] adj, obs
The complexion of fat, happy peasants in the early middle ages, before the invention of hygiene.
Milsons Passage [2083] n
The strange wiggly trajectory of flies, mosquitoes, Israelites crossing the desert, etc.
Mitiamo [3573] n
The feeling one gets about a younger friend, to the effect that “if you a year ago saw you now, you wouldn’t recognise you”.
Modbury [5092] n
Legendary graveyard where all the lime green flares went after the seventies.
Moil [810] n
A wound inflicted by a stiletto heel.
Monteith [5254] n
A magistrate who is the epitome of fairness, just as long as you are white, male, married, middle-aged, conservative, and very, very rich.
Moriac [3240] adj
Incapable of resisting any temptation at all.
Mourilyan [4858] n
A stunningly gorgeous woman in a nightclub, who you are quite sure must have some physical flaws somewhere, although on reflection the only one you can easily detect is that she’s 14. Hence, anything in the universe more frightening than you can imagine.
Mulguthrie [2877] n
A past-middle-aged man with a young lady who may be (a) paid, (b) a secretary with an eye to promotion, or (c) whichever niece drew the short straw.
Mungle [2408] vb
To wip over trords and generally mux them ip, possibly because one’s slongue has gone to teep.
Munno Para [5115] n
The former Zoroastrian god of cot death who has taken over haunting computer hard disks.
Mysterton [4812] n
The feeling that the old novel you are rereading after several years has had substantial portions of its plot rearranged by pixies, especially chapter six which didn’t go that way at all.
Nala [7120] adj
Descriptive of a couple who still insist they are “just good friends”.
Nembudding [6485] n
Phoning up everyone in your address book on the off chance that one of them might be as desperate for company as you are.
Nethercote [2549] n
The bottom coat in a pile of coats on someone’s bed during a party, which is invariably the one you have been sent to collect.
Newstead [3462] n
A word or phrase borrowed from some scientific discipline and mangled beyond all recognition in the great lawnmower of life. Examples: osmosis, uncertainty principle, lowest common denominator, paradigm.
Nulsen [6450] n
A letter you write to someone, knowing full well you’ll never send it.
Ombersley [3241] n
An old friend you run into and end up having lunch with to discuss old times and swap scurrilous gossip.
Osmaston [7303] n
Someone you feel duty bound to sympathise with, despite the unshakeable feeling that they are being a complete prat.
Ovingham [5082] n
The sort of person you will always find in the kitchen at parties.
Ozenkadnook [3413] n
The area of wasted space behind a pillar in a shopping centre or cathedral.
Porepunkah [3740] adj
The smell of one’s clothes after a night out with friends who smoke.
Pormpuraaw [4871] adj
The feeling of your mouth after eating an underripe banana. Hence, how it feels to meet your girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
Purnim [3278] n
The papal proclamation that formerly forbade the filletting of undersized rodents on Tuesdays in Lent.
Quindanning [6391] ptcpl vb
Of “illiterate” signwriters, to “randomly” insert quotation “marks” into the text “of” a sign.
Ramornie [2460] n
Waking up, greeting the day with a smile, singing “Don’t Worry Be Happy”, giving everyone else immediate attitudinal diabetes. The more enlightened nations of Scandinavia list Ramornie as a mental illness and treat it with strong coffee and whips.
Rathscar [3465] n, obs
The Norse god of having too much to drink and feeling ill.
Rheola [3517] n
Industrial strength deja vu for no reason.
Rowsley [3340] adj
Descriptive of a person who always has an opinion.
Runcorn [4113] n
A man who mourns the loss of his friends in the belief that “they were mainly her friends”, when in fact they would still be his friends if he could ever shut up about her. See Kentlyn.
Runnymede [3559] adj
The smell of something rotting, encountered when cleaning out the fridge in a group house.
Samford [4520] n
The inevitable spelling error in a community newspaper or a takeaway menu sign.
Selby [3159] adj
The feeling of spilt superglue on skin.
Sippy Downs [4556] n
A sudden realisation that the fruit punch you’ve been drinking by the bucketload might have more in it than just fruit.
Skillion Flat [2440] n
An imaculately clean, new-looking residence owned by someone who has too many secret lives to ever spend time at home making a mess.
Sofala [2795] n
The passionate love of nature in all its forms, as gained solely from old wildlife documentaries.
Speewa [3585] n
The moment of resignation when you realise you have just passed through a radar trap.
Spence [2615] n
A total disregard for your own financial state, combined with a complete ignorance of business matters, leaving you strangely no worse off than everyone else.
Sprent [7315] adj
Tired but happy.
Steiglitz [3331] adj
The feeling of the morning’s first mouthful of a caffeinated beverage as it dissolves the lining of your throat.
Tabulam [2469] n
A rude finger gesture that no one has ever seen before, used by pissed people and eastern european taxi drivers.
Tambo [4478] n
A derogatory racist nickname for someone who is not a member of any minority at all.
Temagog [2440] n
The evil, miserly old crone who guards the paper clips and sick-leave forms with her life, and who you half expect to ask you an impossible riddle every time you want more toner for the photocopier.
The Gurdies [3984] n
The feeling of sudden realisation that the job you had months to do is due on Monday at nine o’clock.
Timmering [3561] n
A sudden childhood memory of something embarrassing that paralyses you at a socially critical moment.
Tincurrin [6361] n
A group convened to complain at length about how it was all better when we were young.
Tullibigeal [2669] n
The unselfish giving of all one’s luxuries and necessities to someone who needs them far less than you do, such as TV evangelists or your children.
Tumbulgum [2490] n
A metaphor that has been taken too seriously and is in imminent danger of collapsing into a heap.
Tunbridge [7120] n
The moment in a conversation when you realise that the person you have been talking to is the same person you have heard so much about.
Uarbry [2329] n
Smutty inuendo drawn from a completely innocent remark.
Underbool [3509] n
The least appealing item of a woman’s intimate apparel.
Urbenville [2475] n
A housing estate that started out cheap, tacky and dangerously unstable, and has since gone markedly downhill.
Vectis [3401] n
A car owned by someone who is not quite rich enough to afford one that doesn’t scream “wanker”. Invariably has personalised number plates.
Wanilla [5607] adj
Any flavour less popular than vanilla.
Wilby [3728] n
A person who thinks “volunteer” is a reflexive verb (as in “you are volunteered”, “he/she is volunteered”, etc).
Woodridge [4114] n
A noise or facial expression spoken; such as “sigh”, “knock knock”, “gasp”, “grimace”, “massive internal haemorrhaging”, and so on.
Woohlpooer [3314] n
The lowest-ranking employee in a shearing shed, whose duties do not bear thinking about.
Wrattonbully [5271] vb
To avenge a wrong using kindness, generosity and honest praise, so that the poor fool who wronged you is punished not only by their own sudden guilt, but also by abject confusion.
Wurruk [3850] n
The taste in the back of your throat when you realise the drink you’ve just skulled wasn’t yours.
Wuuluman [2820] n
An unwashed fellow in the middle of the central business district who holds forth for hours on the subject of why Finland is being controlled by Bosnians and who the Pope is really working for.
Yarck [3719] n
The expression on parents’ faces when they realise that certain aspects of their offspring’s lifestyle make the prospect of grandchildren exceedingly remote.
Yellingbo [3139] n
A woman whose social life causes considerable insomnia in her flatmates.