I have wanted to filk Oasis’s Wonderwall for decades, but nothing seemed to fit. Then I realised my problem: I was trying to write something at least vaguely believable. Rookie mistake! Once I got past that, this just fell out of my keyboard in no time at all.
Do I really need to note that this is not autobiographical? I hope not!
June 2026
This week is gonna be the week that the King is gonna make a choice
He’ll see there’s nobody but me, and he’ll say it in his booming voice.
He won’t believe that anybody’s fitter to be a peer than me!
I’m so smart, so cunning in my art, he’ll be Laurelling me in a blink
And I work, I’m never known to shirk, so a Pelican I’ll be, I think
He won’t believe that anybody’s fitter to be a peer than me!
And all the knights are certain to be strapped in:
I’m such a boss, a white belt I’ll be wrapped in
And MoDs and Marks will fight for me as partners in their crimes
If the King’s got time
Because mainly
There’s nobody who’s like me, plainly
The truth is clear
I’m the perfect peer!
I’m sure you’ve figured out the score, there are reasons that I fit the bill
They don’t dump a peerage on some chump if he doesn’t have a bunch of skills
But you won’t believe that anybody’s fitter to be a peer than me!
I write these cheeky songs: that’s worth a Laurel!
I fight with fools online: the Knights won’t quarrel!
And see the work I put into just missing every clue
So my Pel is due!
Because mainly
There’s nobody who’s like me, plainly
The truth is clear
I’m the perfect peer!
I said mainly
There’s nobody who’s like me, plainly
The truth is clear
I’m the perfect peer!
You see mainly
There’s nobody who’s like me, plainly
There’s nobody who’s like me, plainly
The royals just don’t like me, plainly