I’ve been upgrading a few computers lately. Robbie Williams’ Let Me Entertain You came up on my music shuffle and suddenly I realised what he was really singing about. You know those soothing screens that tell you “We’re just making a few changes” and “Won’t be long now” and “Please do not switch off your computer”? I call them “Patronise Mode”, but Robbie has made me realise they’re really there to… well, entertain…

September 2022

Ten is gone, Eleven’s here
The time for Windows upgrade’s near
Drop your arse, I’ll commandeer
Your screen
I’m the software you should call
I’ll do the task you can’t forestall
Click me for a fresh-installed
Machine

So come on let me patronise you
Let me patronise you

“This will take some time” (how nice)
“Please don’t switch off your device”
“We’re just making changes,” twice
Today
“Click to make the speaker mute”
“Your device may now reboot”
(Aren’t my pulsing colours cute?)
I say

So come on let me patronise you
Let me patronise you

Go through all the upgrade stages
Twiddle thumbs and wait for ages
Till your brain just disengages, yeah
What all the people rarely see
We give this shit away for free
But overcharge for the licence key, right there

Please now confess, what’s your email address?
Your Microsoft account will keep you oppressed
You’ll click to agree, it’s an unbreakable pledge
We’ll even make you like using Microsoft Edge!

So come on let me patronise you
Let me patronise you
Let me patronise you

Macs may be cool, they may be so well built
But why would you risk it, could you bear the guilt?
Windows is best, it’s how you get things done
The viruses and bugs are just what makes it fun!

So come on
Let me patronise you
Let me patronise you
So come on let me patronise me
Let me patronise you
Come on come on come on come on
Come on come on come on come on
Come on come on come on come on
Come on come on come on come on
Come on come on come on come on
Come on come on come on come on
Let me patronise you…