I’ll Spend A Billion Dollars

I have wanted to filk I Spent My Last $10 On Birth Control And Beer for years, but it was the recent war between Bernie Sanders and Elon “Victor von Doom” Musk that finally gave me the angle.

December 2021

When I was
A young boy,
Like normal boys do,
I learned all
About the world
From people I knew
I didn’t want
To be a slave,
Like the ones in Dad’s mine
Though none o’ them paid
A cent in tax,
And that was mighty fine.

I did not slack
I did not snooze
I did not join the forces
I ran away
From the draft
To Canada, of course
To learn the ways
Of enterprise
I studied at the source as
I learned to be
A billionaire
But I never learned remorse.

I’ll spend a billion dollars on flying off to Mars
It’s either that or I stick around selling life-size toy cars
But Jim and Bones and Mr Spock, they called me from the stars
To tell me, spend a billion bucks on flying off to Mars.

It was back
In 1999
When I invented PayPal
They tried to kick
Me out of it
Underestimate my val-
-Ue to
The whole financial world
(I’m a genius you see)
Though I failed at all
The things I did
They still ended up paying me!

I spent my un-earned cash
Buying shares
To win seats
In companies
That promptly kicked me out
It was rinse and repeat
My rocket ships
And batteries
And zippy sports cars
They’re all a plan
To make me
First sociopath on Mars

I’ll spend a billion dollars on flying off to Mars
It’s either that or I stick around selling life-size toy cars
But Jim and Bones and Mr Spock, they called me from the stars
To tell me, spend a billion bucks on flying off to Mars.

Now Spock
And Bones McCoy are gone
Even Scotty’s dead too
And Captain Kirk
Well he’s dead to me
For what I saw him do
For he could have gone
In my Penis Ship
Into orbit with me
Instead of with
Baldie Bezos
My mortal enemy!

So now I sit
And tweet away
And each tweet’s a lawsuit
So envy me
Or hate me
I do not give one more hoot
Now Bernie thinks
I’m terrible
I don’t care, here’s why:
He can feel the burn
Global warming style
I’ll be out past the sky

I’ll spend a billion dollars on flying off to Mars
It’s either that or I stick around selling life-size toy cars
But Jim and Bones and Mr Spock, they called me from the stars
To tell me, spend a billion bucks on flying off to Mars.

I’ll spend a billion dollars on flying off to Mars
It’s either that or I stick around selling life-size toy cars
But Jim and Bones and Mr Spock, they called me from the stars
To tell me, spend a billion bucks on flying off to Mars.