Shortly after yet another woman was raped and killed in Melbourne as punishment for being a woman, I was struck by the question: what would John Clarke and Bryan Dawe have had to say about this? Not the rape and murder, but about the endless mansplaining to women about how to be “safe”. I’m told this captures their voice quite well, which is awesome because I totally want to be John Clarke when I grow up.
Bryan: Thanks for your time tonight.
John: It’s a great pleasure to be with you, Brian.
B: You’re a public liaison officer with the Victorian Police, aren’t you?
J: That is correct, yes.
B: That must be a busy job.
J: There’s not a lot of opportunity for getting the Solitaire scores up lately, true.
B: And your name is Hans?
J: Yes indeed, Hans.
B: And do you have a surname, Hans?
B: Hans Waireye-Canseeum. Good, good. So, your subject is Avoiding Sexual Assault In Cities. A fairly topical subject, that one.
J: Somehow it always contrives to be so, Bryan.
B: True. So, your time starts now. How many assaults have there been within the city of Melbourne since the beginning of this year?
J: Oh, sorry, I don’t have my watch on. What time is it right now?
B: Correct. And how many of them could have been prevented?
J: Prevented by whom, exactly?
B: Correct. What is the most valuable piece of advice that is usually given regarding the avoidance of sexual assault?
B: I need more information than that.
J: Really, just don’t.
B: Correct. And how effective has this advice been to date?
J: Well, the answer to your first question has changed while we’ve been talking, so I expect not very effective at all.
B: Correct. So what is the best advice?
J: Are you sure that’s the right question? Can I see that card?
B: Correct. And at the end of that round, you’ve got a perfect score!
B: So you’ve won this handy bottle of antidepressants.
J: Oh, very useful. Oh — wait. It’s empty. Just has a piece of paper in that says “don’t be depressed”. Is that right?
B: Pretty much standard, yes.
J: Well then.