His Majesty’s lamentable state of facial hairlessness became a topic of much discussion at Great Southern Gathering this weekend. I have composed this song as a rallying cry for those who feel that something must be done about the scandal of a kingdom whose king is apparently unable to grow a properly regal beard. Standards must be maintained!

To the tune of The Llama Song, of course, from the fictional point of view of an unspecified but hirsute royal guardsman:

Here’s a goatee, there’s a goatee,
And another little goatee,
Fuzzy goatee, furry goatee,
Mutton chops, moustache.

I’m a hairy fellow
On the royal guard,
Loyal to the royals,
Fight and party hard.
Now I have to wonder,
Is it really true?
If our king’s a beardless boy,
What are we to do?

Here’s a goatee, there’s a goatee,
And another little goatee,
Fuzzy goatee, furry goatee,
Mutton chops, moustache.

Surely such a noble
Ought to sport a beard,
So his mighty visage
May be rightly feared!
Hide his wicked razors,
Throw away the Nair,
Let our King be furnished With some facial hair!

Here’s a goatee, there’s a goatee,
And another little goatee,
Fuzzy goatee, furry goatee,
Mutton chops, moustache.
(repeat ad nauseam)

“For God wished women to be smooth and to rejoice in their locks alone growing spontaneously, as a horse in his mane. But He adorned man like the lions, with a beard, and endowed him as an attribute of manhood, with a hairy chest — a sign of strength and rule.”

– St. Clement of Alexandria