I was asked by Kurgan and Ewa to join their household as their Court Fool. This I gladly did, and to introduce myself in court they had me compose a suitable boast, telling of my life and talents. Regrettably, well before my tour of duty ended I moved to Rowany and dropped out of the SCA for a while, so I didn’t live up to my potential. But the intro was good.

January 1999

My parents died many years before I was born, and I was raised by a kindly family of pebbles in an undiscovered ocean near Lombardy. I had a minor role in Babylonian mythology. I have seven fingers on my left foot. I can one-shot Jade of Starfall, fighting with only a sultana bun and a small badger. I once told a newcomer about the award system and she understood.

I composed the Song of Roland, but threw it away when I realised it had too many vowels. Several of my toenail clippings are on display in Rome, where the faithful flock to see them to cure their existential angst. I flirt with trees. Orlando di Lasso wrote several love songs to me, but I still wouldn’t stop yodelling. I eat mice.

I understand double-entry bookkeeping, Latin irregular verbs and the spleen. I can explain why Lochac is not a Kingdom, but I choose not to. I am clean, asymmetrical and claustrophobic. I can cook an entire feast in the Provencale manner using only an elderly trout and sixteen crates of gravel. I am not afraid of Laurels.

I had a dog once. No one knows my middle name. I am an expert in fencing, a journeyman in embroidery and a village in Crete. I can sing harmonies with myself, but I do not do B flat. Women are irresistibly attracted to me, despite my crumhorn playing and the fact that I have nipples in unusual places.

I invented the long bow, the lizard and gargling. I never forget the words. I rarely if ever fart near ladies, farm animals or the dead. And I’ve got a duck. But I have never been a member of a Royal Household.