This one is to the tune of Fat Bottom Girls by Queen, and is dedicated to a legendary St Ursulan seneschal, a lovely lass with flame-red hair and an evil smile. My records tell me Harry wrote it in 1994, which sounds about right. I later went on to write A Thousand Ships about the same lovely lass when she moved overseas.

© Ben Simpson, 1994.

Are you gonna show me how to fight,
Aah, down beside that headless light,
Are you gonna try to knock me out,
You red-haired girl, you make all fighters hit the ground.

I was just a skinny lad, found light fighting not so bad,
But when heavies got too close I’d turn and flee.
Now I’ve seen this female heavy, always armed and always ready:
Red-haired woman, you’ll make a stickjock out of me.

I see the damsels on these benches,
Doe-eyed maids and buxom wenches,
I’ve seen every blue-eyed boozy Queen of May.
But their beauty and their style
Wear kind of smooth after a while:
Give me two-handed sword ladies every time.

Aah, won’t you show me how to fight,
Aah, down beside that legless knight,
Aah, decapitate me with one shot,
You red-haired girl, you make all fighters hit the ground.
You red-haired girl, you make all fighters hit the ground.

Hordes of soldiers came and fought her,
At her hands there was a slaughter,
Dead and maimed all lay in her vicinity.
And if I see a look of pleasure on that stocky armoured treasure,
Red-haired woman, you scare the shit right out of me!

Are you gonna show me how to fight,
Aah, by that burning city’s light.
Are you gonna rip my entrails out,
You red-haired girl, you make all fighters hit the ground.
You red-haired girl, you make all fighters hit the ground.
(Get on your horse and ride!)