A celebration of celibacy. It’s a bit hard to remember back to the days of my unattachedness, but they must have existed or I never would have learnt so many programming languages. Having been raised Catholic, I never thought much about the Bible until I got a startlingly enthusiastic born-again Christian girlfriend, after which my thoughts on the subject crystallised and I realised the entire Book was too dangerous to be left in the hands of protestants.
I refer you to that book for the origins of this piece:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. […] I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
[Before 1992]
When you’re trying to call on the writing of Paul, to enkindle a feeling of piety,
And discover the text gets you horribly vexed: here’s an end to your useless anxiety.
Many letters he wrote are obscure and remote; never fear for your lost comprehension,
For the greatest of all of the works of Saint Paul I’ll reveal, if you pay some attention.
In Corinthians 1 is his day in the sun, where he spoke with a genius unbounded;
In the paragraph seven, he most approached heaven: it’s here that all wisdom is founded.
“A man”, he remarks, “shouldn’t rhumba with sharks; he should give all the misses a miss;
“It is better to stay in a singular way than to dare the eternal abyss!
“For the women of earth (though you greet it with mirth) are a step and a hop from damnation,
“And a sensible lad, if he’s not to be had, should avoid any carnal relation!
“You can manage”, wrote he, “if you emulate me, for avoiding the topic’s my fame;
“All the admin and prayer take a second’ry chair, but virginity’s my middle name!”
So it is, the Tarsisian uncovered his mission, to spread the good news to the laity,
And explained, in a verse, you can clearly do worse than to duck certain sources of gaity!
What a shame, I declare, that the formula there isn’t met with more popular spirit;
For except for myself, sitting high on the shelf, not a fellow on earth wants to hear it!