No One Updates The News

Every Crown Tournament in Lochac, Mistress Ceara (Brooke) and Baroness Angele (Kerry) conspire to make what would otherwise be a local phenomenon something the whole Kingdom can enjoy.  Brooke reports on the results of each round, and Kerry produces a Google spreadsheet that people can watch in real time.  (It’s usually Kerry. If she happens to be at the event instead of sitting at home, I usually take on the job.  But it’s her invention.)  There is, however, one frustrating moment: from when the final begins until when the winner is announced by the King and Queen, there’s a complete blackout on reporting.  This is to prevent what I like to call the La La Land Problem, which could lead to the wrong result being announced to the world.  I figure it’s a reasonable precaution, though I know it annoys people.  Oddly, this song came out in favour of their opinion rather than mine; I guess it just scans better.  This is to the tune of Nothing Compares To You (by Prince, sung by Sinead O’Connor).

November 2018

It’s been seven minutes and fifty years
Since the final bout began…
I hit Refresh and wait for online cheers
Since the final bout began…

Kerry and Brooke track every win and defeat.
We can chat as if it were here.
I can see the tourney on a fancy Google Sheet,
But nothin’, I said nothin’ can make results appear

When no one updates
No one updates the news

It was so much slower in ancient years:
Crowns were won and nobody knew.
No one was there to do some quick reporting
On the Shambles, till the news came through

Now we share opinions and argue at liberty
These gadgets are changing our brains
I emailed the Marshal and guess what she told me, guess what she told me
She said, certain things need to be done the old-fashioned official way, but I say nay!

‘Cause no one updates
No one updates the news

[instrumental break during which nothing continues to happen]

All the watchers in a waiting Kingdom
On the spreadsheet
Want to just get on with their lives
I know that fights at this level are rarely neat
But we’re hoping for someone to tell us why–

No one updates
No one updates the news
No one updates
No one updates the news
No one updates
No one updates the news