If I Were Malarky

Written for Adam “Malachi von Riga” Dalton, Liberal voter, devout Catholic of one of those obscure orthodox persuasions, and wearer of green dressing gowns at his own birthday party. This is all true! The tune is If I Were A Rich Man from Fiddler On The Roof.


If I were Malarky
I could be a Catholic Fascist
And a Liberal wanker too
All day long I’d argue GST
If I were a Mal-ar-kee!

If I were Malarky
I could pose upon a cover
Wearing nothing but a smile
All the girls would die of lust for me
If I were the man named Malarkee

I’d wear a gown of green and bear a banana
Carried in my arm as I gavotte
And the cheapest PJs the op-shops sell
And when some bastard asked my friends for some gossip
None of them would say an awful lot
Cos I’ve got the goods on them as well

If I were Malarky
All day long I’d diddle-diddle-dum
Think I’ll drop my daks and bare my bum.