Edmund’s Secret

When the Fabulous Monster and I showed up at Spring Coronet in Politarchopolis, just about the first thing anyone told me was “You should have seen Edmund last week – you ought to write a song!” It seems there had been a Hunt to gather food for the Coronet feast, and Edmund had caught a unicorn! Naturally I couldn’t resist.

[Spring, 1999]

When Edmund the Bastard raised his bow
The beasts of the woods would swiftly know
That their final fate was the dinner plate
Of Edmund the Archer Bastard.

When Edmund the Bastard went to see
What the woods may contain for such as he
Well he hoped to bag him a tasty stag
For Edmund the Archer Bastard.

What Edmund the Bastard saw instead
Was a beast with a horn set on its head
And a hide immune to the swift harpoon
Of Edmund the Archer Bastard.

So Edmund the Bastard asked a maid
If she knew how the beast might be waylaid
She called aloud and the great beast bowed
To Edmund the Archer Bastard.

Said Edmund the Bastard, “I’m not sure
“That a lass like her could be virgin pure.”
Said the beast, “Not her, but you good sir!”
Now he’s Edmund the Virgin Bastard!