If you heard me singing at the early part of Festival, before my voice went (even more) horrible, you may have heard the magnificent Ealdormerean anthem Rise, by Hector of the Black Height. It really is a well crafted piece of work, and so much better than all the other kingdom anthems which boil down, as I have said, to “We are the kingdom of X / Our kingdom device is coloured Y and Z / We will defeat you in battle”. Rise has history, metaphor and some expert use of language.

That hasn’t stopped me filking it, of course.

Here’s my suggestion for an alternative, Lochacian version, to the same tune.

April 2016

The southern land is not for those who shiver at the knees
The driving rains will flood you out, the icy winters freeze
The Western desert lives and breathes at forty five degrees
Which is why we Lochac subjects need our booze!

Booze, booze, oh booze!
With our lives in mortal danger: spiders, sharks and kangaroos
With the earthquakes in the eastern isles to wake us when we snooze
With the sun to burn us scarlet and the rain to bring the blues
Give us pies, give us bikkies, give us booze!

The Western kingdom gave us birth, in days of yesteryear
They showed us all the Western rules, the proper way to cheer
But their realm is one of fog and rain, their skies are rarely clear
How could Westerners appreciate their booze?

For many years we stood alone, an island in the sea
When to the Crescent Isles, Caid, we whispered “come, be free”
Though your beasts are tame, you make that up with your geography!
You’re a mighty people and you love your booze!

There are brewers in the Lochac lands whose talents sure are fine
They’ll give you beer and mead and ale to greet you as you dine
Just be sure you’re staying well away from Paddy’s carrot wine!
Even Lochac drinkers know to check their booze!