Armoured Codpiece

From The Known Words 1, long out of print and replaced by The Known Words, which doesn’t include this (among others) due to it being not of sufficiently high standard:

Gak! More filk! You’ll find the original tune in the song Baggy Trousers on Divine Madness, the collected works of Madness, who also produced such gems as Our House, It Must Be Love and My Girl. All the warnings about filk apply here, with an extra warning garnered from my experience with this particular song: don’t forget to breathe! This is a killer! Oh, and you’ll get this occasionally. This song is unfinished, because the original is much longer. Anyone out there who wants to try their hand at completing it is entirely welcome; send me your best results, and you might just get included in the next edition.


Naughty knights and shameful squires, dancing drunk around the fire,
Yelling things in heralds’ ears, sword up the kilt there’s no one near.
Knife the marshal, bash the lights, give chirurgeons awful frights,
Prince and baron, master, lord, all look the same when they’ve been gored.

Oh what fun we had, this fighting lark is not so bad.
Thumping all the fools, ignoring marshal’s stupid rules.
Oh what fun we had, we’re waving swords and going mad,
Trying different ways to see the archers through the haze.

Using double handed mace, hit my comrade in the face,
One too many to the head, knocked him out and now he’s dead.
Armoured codpiece, sword and shield, lots to do on a battle field,
Fight till your helmet bends and warps and leave behind a gorgeous corpse.