All Creatures That In House Do Dwell

An ode to the animals in our house, to the tune of All People That On Earth Do Dwell, one of the older and more turgid hymns.

[September 2008]

All creatures that on Earth do dwell,
Afflicting us with shit and smell,
Are brought to us, we know full well,
By he who is the Lord of Hell.

You cat, who claws our sofa seat,
And howls at night demanding meat,
And seeks by day to trip our feet:
I’d gladly set you in concrete.

You dog, you drooling imbecile
Who barks at every passing wheel,
My children greet you with such zeal;
I frankly don’t see your appeal.

You rat, in self-inflicted stink,
With tail of quite alarming pink,
Our table scraps your food and drink —
You’re old, you’ll be dead soon, I think.

You chicken, in your makeshift run,
Aren’t bad when all is said and done:
You give us fresh eggs by the ton;
Of all beasts, you’re my favourite one.