Achey-Breaky Squire

This requires some explanation. Some years ago, the Barony of Politarchopolis held a Pandybat Tourney.  Pandybats are different from normal tourneys in that the weapons wielded by the combatants must, by the rules of the style, be at least as dangerous to them as to their opponent.  As a result we saw Baron Stephen’s hitherto-unknown evil twin, Baron Boing, with a tennis ball flail attached to his helm by a string; Simon MacFaolin’s tiny little sword called “Stumpy”; a now unremembered fighter’s combination of battle axes taped together like a windmill at the hafts; and of course Vladimir Ivanovich Kurgan clad in a Deathly cowl with a scythe.

You had to be there.

The tune is also a relic of a sillier time.

[Mid-1990s sometime]

You can wear a shield
Upon the battle field.
You can wave a sword and win a bout.
But something worse than that
Is fighting pandybat
And hoping you will see the tourney out.

Don’t you expire
You achey-breaky squire!
Now is not the time for you to stop.
You never should assume
You’re gonna meet your doom
Although you’re armed with just a lolly pop!

The Baron has a helm
That’s built to overwhelm:
You know it’s nothing less than truly love (-fifteen)
And Stumpy’s little sword
Will leave opponents awed
As long as he can find it in his glove.

Quixote’s windmill’s built
To spin instead of tilt:
Its thrust is double-ended, so they say.
But soon your final breath
Will be expelled by Death:
No matter what, he’s sure to win the day.