To the tune of Cyndi Lauper’s Money Changes Everything, this is an ode to Gaffa Tape, known in the US as Duct Tape, the fibre tape beloved of SCA fighters, roadies, engineers, and anyone who ever needs to achieve anything anywhere ever.

July 2014

He said, I’m sorry madam, your cat may not survive
He’s been badly hurt, amazing that he’s still alive!
Oh doctor, how could you say it?
I know the way to help my kitty love!
It don’t matter that he’s badly off
There is one cure you’re not thinking of
And that’s Gaffa

Gaffa fixes everything
I said Gaffa, Gaffa fixes everything
From broken bones to computers
We can make them sing
Just reach for a roll now,
Gaffa fixes everything

You break your glass, and you’re sad
‘Cause you needed a drink
A roll of Gaffa tape
Just stick it on, in a blink
Oh, ’cause everything is only
Made of atoms and space
And you say well, Gaffa’s the Force
Dark side, light side
May it be with you: Gaffa

Gaffa fixes everything
I said Gaffa, Gaffa fixes everything
A bit of tape will work wonders,
Costs much less than string
Just reach for a roll now,
Gaffa fixes everything

[Indulgent instrumental solo]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Gaffa
Gaffa fixes everything
I said Gaffa, Gaffa fixes everything
They sunk your Trident submarine?
Someone killed the King?
Just reach for a roll now,
Gaffa fixes everything

Gaffa fixes everything
Gaffa fixes everything
Gaffa fixes everything