My eyes have seen the glory of The Return of the King,
It was three long hours of movie to destroy a single ring.
But my bladder would be gladder if they’d melt the bloody thing,
And bring the credits on.

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,
Oh, good lord I need a loo break,
Oh, good lord I need a loo break,
But the film keeps rolling on.

It started many years ago, when Sauron ruled the land,
But Elendil and Gil-galad set out to thwart his plan.
Young Isuldur defeated him and cut off half his hand,
But the film keeps rolling on.

Much later on in Mount Doom where the hobbits come at last,
Frodo gives Smeagol the finger and then Gollum gets the shaft.
The ring and he both melted, how we clapped and cheered and laughed,
But the film keeps rolling on.

(Chorus)

Outside now on Orodruin, with lava at their back,
They’re suffering suffocation and a sentiment attack.
The Hobbits fade to silence as the film fades to black,
And the thought that it was done.

But the film flickers on again, my bladder gives a scream,
The eagles come and rescue them and they rejoin their team.
A happy ending after all (at least that’s what it seemed)
But the film keeps rolling on.

(Chorus)

Back again in Gondor and the king sings to his folks,
These many movie endings are kind of cruel hoax.
And I wish I hadn’t drunk those extra king-sized Hobbit cokes,
But the film keeps rolling on.

Arwen meets her king and it’s exactly as she feared,
She told him to get shaved, instead the mongrel’s grown a beard.
But finally — finale! — and the Hobbits are all cheered,
But the film keeps rolling on.

(Chorus)

Another day, another place, we’re back now in The Shire,
My back teeth are now floating and I think I might expire.
Frodo finishes his book and tells young Sam he must retire,
But the film keeps rolling on.

Down to the Grey Havens where the swan-prowed ships all float,
Frodo says his last farewells while the Hobbits sob and dote.
But my bladder’s screaming “Stop the hugging, board the fuckin’ boat!”,
But the film keeps rolling on.

(Chorus)

And finally when everybody’s sailed across the sea,
I’ve lost the will to live and I’ve forgotten how to pee.
And from the mad dash to the exits I can tell it’s not just me,
This film is rather long.

Oh, great lord of the Valar, grant us all your godly powers,
Take pity on our bladders when the DVDs are ours.
The three extended versions will be something like twelve hours,
This film is rather long.

So when Frodo goes walking with three of his folks,
And joins in a quest with another five blokes,
And Gimli is telling his dwarf-tossing jokes,
And Gandalf is killed by a big thing that smokes,
Galadriel askes what a mirror evokes,
Sauruman’s sacked by some militant oaks,
It’s raining in Rohan and Legolas soaks,
And Merry and Pippin are puffing down tokes.
Faramir bites when his daddy provokes,
Gollum is planning his homicide hoax,
Rohan is riding and Theoden croaks,
And Eowyn’s handing out terminal pokes,
When Frodo succeeds in the ultimate act,
Just remember your urinogenital tract…

And don’t forget to have a loo break,
Don’t forget to have a loo break,
Don’t forget to have a loo break,
This film is rather long.

One more time!
Don’t forget to have a loo break,
Don’t forget to have a loo break,
Don’t forget to have a loo break,
This film is rather long.