William Castille, Baron River Haven, asked me to write a song about a recent incident in which the barony lost a dressmaker’s dummy that had been loaned to them for a demo. This is a true story, except perhaps for the toads.  It’s to the tune of There’s A Hole In My Bucket.  I am grateful to Amala, the Baronial Knight Marshal, for her assistance with a few local details and the lyrical loan of her husband Magnus for a punchline.

[September 2016]

Where the heck is my dummy, dear Baron, dear Baron?
Where the heck is my dummy, dear Baron? Just where?

Have you looked in the storeroom, dear Lady, dear Lady?
Have you looked in the storeroom, I’m sure it was there.

It was there but it’s missing, dear Baron, dear Baron!
It was there but it’s missing, dear Baron! It’s gone!

You should ask at the meeting, dear Lady, dear Lady.
You should ask at the meeting, on Wednesday, come on!

So she went to the meeting, on Wednesday, on Wednesday
So she went to the meeting, and made them all tell.

Where the heck is my dummy, dear Barony, dear Barony?
Where the heck is my dummy, dear Barony? Well?

Did you use it for practice, Knight Marshal, Knight Marshal?
Did you use it for practice, Knight Marshal? Did you?

We don’t need any dummies, dear Lady, dear Lady!
We don’t need any dummies! Lord Magnus will do!

Did you take it for shooting, dear archers, dear archers?
Did you take it for shooting? It’s not made of wood!

We don’t need it for shooting, dear Lady, dear Lady,
We don’t need it for shooting! There’s cane toads! They’re good!

Is it holding your tabards, dear heralds, dear heralds?
Is it holding your tabards, dear heralds? Good gosh!

All our tabards were scruffy, and dirty, moth-eaten
They were frankly disgusting — they’re all in the wash!

Did you sell it for profit, John Longshankes the Reeve, now?
Did you sell it for profit? Did you get a good price?

Didn’t think of that, sadly, dear Lady, dear Lady
If you find it, I’ll sell it, some cash would be nice!

Then a voice in the corner speaks clearly, speaks clearly.
Then a voice in the corner speaks clearly: AHEM!

It’s Lord Theophrastus, and a dummy, a dummy.
It’s Lord Theophrastus, with a quite sheepish grin.

I believe this is yours then, dear Lady, dear Lady
I believe this is yours then, I thought it was mine

My dummy! she shouted, ecstatic, ecstatic.
My dummy! she shouted, no really, that’s fine!

Well in that case, one question, said Lord Theophrastus
Well in that case, one question, said Theo, right there:

Where the heck is MY dummy, dear Baron, dear Baron?
Where the heck is MY dummy, dear Baron? Just where?