Many years ago when the world was young, before sobriety and theses attacked and rendered the Horde boring, Alaric Longshaft was famous for his tendency to drop trou at the slightest whim. After he threatened to this one more time, I composed this heartfelt plea.
There’s a lot of things that people do to hurt their fellow men
There’s a history of horrors in the history of time;
There are holocausts and pogroms, there is genocide, and then
There’s another, even more uncouth and unforgiven crime…
You can cover me in marmalade and throw me to the ants
You can knee me in the goolies, you can tell my Mum I’m gay,
You can stick a firecracker in my nicest Sunday pants,
Oh, but save me from the hordesman with his privates on display!
You can dress in brown with epaulets and cheer the Master Race;
You can wear a hood and burn a cross upon a Southern lawn;
You can ethnic cleanse your neighbours from a hidden Baltic base;
But there’s still a greater evil than all other evils born…
You can crush, with tanks, your students for their democratic dreams;
You can gas the poor Malaysians so they really know the score
You can even hassle presidents for sexcrimes now, it seems;
But I beg you, don’t let Alaric reveal his bits once more!